Stillest Hour

"Still, I can say that I have a most precious memory which keeps unfolding itself in all that I do or plan to do. I do not live without being reminded of the glimpse of God's graciousness that I saw in my solitude, of the ray of light that broke through my darkness, of the gentle voice that spoke in my silence, and of the soft breeze that touched me in my stillest hour." ~Henri Nouwen

My "stillest hour". Twelve years ago today. The day my dad took his last breath.

But "God's graciousness"..it was there.

I have heard the audible voice of God two times in my life. One led to my rededicating my life to following Jesus. 20 years ago. The other, it was on this day. April 14th, 2002. Twelve years ago.

Crowded around my dad's gurney in the ER. with so much noise, so much spinning around in my mind, my head and my heart. It was time, the doctor's said. We needed to make a decision on when resuscitation efforts should cease. Standing there with Doug, my mom and my sister, looking at these hard working doctors and nurses doing CPR on my dad... it just got quiet. Not silent. Muffled, I guess. And then I heard it. God's voice.

"I love you. It's going to be okay. Trust Me"

God knew what I needed to hear in that moment. The supernatural peace that came over me in that moment could only be from Him.

I don't remember who exactly made the decision... it may have been the doctor, who fought so hard to keep my dad alive, and who maybe saw our family in anguish at the end and knew we couldn't possibly make that decision.... but CPR ceased. My dad faded into glory.

The worst day of my life. Hands down

I used to dread this day every year. Anxiety, tears, and heaviness came hard and fast on this day the first years after my dad's death. But as I grow older, as my children grow older, and as life goes on without his physical presence in my life, I am starting to realize how "precious" the memory of his death is. It was the last day God granted him on this earth, and a day and a time that God was clearly present (click here for more on that). My dad's death is with me and will stick with me for all my days, no matter how much time passes. It is a part of who I am, an experience and a journey that keeps unfolding in my life in many different ways. I think that's the way God wants it. And I am okay with that now.

The past couple of years I have had a number of friends lose a parent (or both parents). What a privilege to be able to come along side someone, having lost a parent, to offer a ear or a hug or a kind word of understanding. Every story is different, but the loss is still acute and painful.. and to be the "voice of experience" has been just as comforting and encouraging to me as (hopefully) it has been for those on the receiving end of my understanding. This has been a "ray of light that broke thru my darkness".

Turning something so awful into something that can be used for good. Living out Romans 8:28 ("And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."). Trying to show others (and reminding myself) that God is real and good and present, grieving with us yet offering hope. That is what I am trying to do now with the memories of this day.

"Grief never ends. It changes. It's a passage.. not a place to stay. Grief  is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love" ~author unknown.

The loss of my dad has left a huge void in my life, but its effect on me is changing and evolving. I miss him so very much still, but this day... and the events of this day 12 years ago... are not something that I dread thinking about anymore. I want to remember. I don't want to forget.

God's graciousness
God's gentile voice
A ray of light breaking thru out of that dark time.
A precious memory.

My stillest hour.



I love you dad. I miss you so. Always.....

Aunt Michelle's Visit Part Two

Before Michelle came to town, she had gotten chinese food and her fortune in her cookie said she would "have her feet in the sand soon", or something like that. She had talked to me briefly before their trip over about maybe going to the beach on Sunday. Being that the forecast called for rain AND the fact that it was the end of  spring break weekend which most likely would mean lots of traffic, both Doug and I were a bit resistant to go. Saturday night she said Curtis really wanted to go, as did she, and that they were probably gonna go whether we went or not. Doug and I decided that we would rather spend time with Michelle and the kids than worry about rain and traffic, so we made a mad dash for the Oregon coast Sunday morning. It turned out to be a LOVELY day! Windy, but lots of sun greeted us and stuck with us the entire time!

My pensive nephew taking it all in...

Look who can swing all by himself now? Big boy!!

Evelyn and Abby soaring high.

Lots of fun on the old swing set in Seaside!

Love her... she just lives too far away. Period!

We went to the old, small aquarium on the Seaside boardwalk and it was so fun!! Small, but lots of sea life to watch and touch. Perfect size for my two for sure, and they thoroughly enjoyed it!

Checking out the squid with daddy

Evelyn made my take a picture of this. She thought it was "absolutely beautiful"!

The kids being brave and touching crabs and other sea creatures!

We found a fun little cafe to have lunch and Matthew and Evelyn wanted to have fun with my camera. My kids are quite silly!

Matthew telling Abby another story. He loves her so much!

After lunch we grabbed our blankets and beach toys and played in the sand until it was time to head home (we were meeting more family for dinner that night). The kids LOVE the beach, and today was no exception!

We all were a bit sad to leave the beach but thankful for such a great day there. Michelle and the kids left Monday morning and probably won't be back this way until the holidays. BUT... we have plans to head to Idaho this summer to visit them, and we look forward to that very much!

It was a very fun weekend, indeed!!

Aunt Michelle's Visit Part One

My sister, niece and nephew came to town for the weekend and we had SO SO SO much fun with them! It was busy and full and wonderful!

Here's a Saturday recap...

Shell and Abby... two of my favorite gals...

Doug and Abby went and got donuts in the morning. Curtis slept late (he is 13 after all...) and Evelyn decided to play "donut fairy" and wrap up a treat for him. It was pretty cute!

We enjoyed more donuts watching "Frozen"... a fun way to spend a rainy Saturday morning!

Usually when Michelle comes, we take MAX to Voodoo donuts. Since we went elsewhere this time for sweet treats, we decided to take the train downtown and walk around, even tho the forecast called for LOTS of rain.

Cousins!

I really am not a fan of selfies.... but I couldn't help myself!

I can hear it.. its coming!!

One of my favs of the weekend... Shell doing her "Let it Go" pose! :)

They love the train!

Gosh I have cute kids!

Where's Waldo.. I mean, Doug? ;)

I LOVE these three!

Fun with the animals!

Thirsty cousins...

Yes... it really started to rain this hard! Thankfully the kids were laughing and though it was hilarious that we were getting so wet!

Later that evening Chris, Lo and the kids came over for dinner and to celebrate Abby's birthday (she turned 11 on the 27th).

Silly cousins...

Love this birthday girl!

I think this kids fell asleep in moments after such a full day! They LOVE having Aunt Michelle here!!

Red and Green Adventure

Doug took off Thursday and Friday last week to have some spring break family time together. We decided to surprise the kids and take them to the Evergreen Air and Space Museum. We told them we were taking them on a "Red and Green Adventure" and that those colors represented where we were going.

Off we went...

Excited for the adventure!

"I have NO idea what is going on!" :)

The "Red" part of our stop... lunch at the Dirty Bird (that's what Doug calls it.. haha)!

They were SO excited when we arrived at the "Green" part of our trip. This is their first time here!

Truly... she was in awe of all the planes.. it was pretty cool to see how much they loved this place!

Resting in the cool chairs...they sat in all of them! 

ATTENNNNNN-TION! 

They have a new playground since Doug and I have been there.. it was rainy and wet but the kids wanted to climb to the top!

It was a long climb!

A new plane ride was a hit, too!

One of many huge rockets we saw. Such a cool place!

One of the other things we did that I didn't get any pictures of was see a movie in their new theater. We saw "Air Racer 3-D". It was like a real life "Planes" movie and let me tell you... it was SO good! At first I was worried that Matthew would be scared of the loud sound (this is his first time in a theater) and the 3-D glasses, but oh my goodness he LOVED it!

After a few hours the kids were tired and ready to head home...

I love these hands!!

Tired, grumpy girl

Dazzed and confused tired boy!

Such a fun day together... the kids are still talking about it and asking when we can go back!!