I vividly remember being in the hospital, watching CPR being performed on my dad after his heart attack. As horrible as this may sound, I wanted them to stop (they did it for like an hour.. they tried SO hard to get him back!). I knew in my mind (the nurse in me) and in my heart he was gone. I felt God wrapping his arms around me and saying, "I love you. It's going to be okay. Trust me" over and over again. I continued to hear those words for a long time after he died.
Now, don't get me wrong. It was the most horrible experience in my life. It was painful to the core of my being. I was sad, mad, shocked, every emotion in the book.. I had it! I sobbed myself to sleep so many nights. I still cry sometimes.. I miss him so much. But my faith remains strong. Jesus became the ultimate comforter and keeper of my heart during that time and still today. He truly is a "father to the fatherless and defender of widows" (Psalm 68:5) for me and my family. I remember claiming these words of this song often:
Now, don't get me wrong. It was the most horrible experience in my life. It was painful to the core of my being. I was sad, mad, shocked, every emotion in the book.. I had it! I sobbed myself to sleep so many nights. I still cry sometimes.. I miss him so much. But my faith remains strong. Jesus became the ultimate comforter and keeper of my heart during that time and still today. He truly is a "father to the fatherless and defender of widows" (Psalm 68:5) for me and my family. I remember claiming these words of this song often:
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Blessed be your name
But now, today, news about Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter being killed came out. My pastor's father had a heart attack and died a few days ago. A friend recently lost her young niece to cystic fybrosis. Disasters in Myanmar and China have killed thousands. So heartbreaking, and causing me to ponder what I would do if those precious to me were taken from me today.
I am painfully aware that my husband and my daughter could be gone in a heartbeat. I get nauseated just thinking about it. I don't want to think about it. BUT... if something were to happen.... What would me heart choose to say?
Man, that's tough. I realize how attached I am to the loves of my life. That isn't a bad thing at all. But I am also acutely aware that I at times place them above God in my priorities. I know that many of you who are spouses and parents understand this conflict. I guess for me, today it just hit me hard. I am convicted that I need to concede control of my dear ones daily and leave them in God's hands. And by doing that, be willing to accept whatever course He has chosen for them.
As a believer in Jesus Christ, I feel like this shouldn't be hard to do. BUT WOW... IT IS FOR ME!
Wrestling with God over this stuff.... I pray that I can grow in my faith and as a wife/parent from this!!
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Blessed be your name
But now, today, news about Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter being killed came out. My pastor's father had a heart attack and died a few days ago. A friend recently lost her young niece to cystic fybrosis. Disasters in Myanmar and China have killed thousands. So heartbreaking, and causing me to ponder what I would do if those precious to me were taken from me today.
I am painfully aware that my husband and my daughter could be gone in a heartbeat. I get nauseated just thinking about it. I don't want to think about it. BUT... if something were to happen.... What would me heart choose to say?
Man, that's tough. I realize how attached I am to the loves of my life. That isn't a bad thing at all. But I am also acutely aware that I at times place them above God in my priorities. I know that many of you who are spouses and parents understand this conflict. I guess for me, today it just hit me hard. I am convicted that I need to concede control of my dear ones daily and leave them in God's hands. And by doing that, be willing to accept whatever course He has chosen for them.
As a believer in Jesus Christ, I feel like this shouldn't be hard to do. BUT WOW... IT IS FOR ME!
Wrestling with God over this stuff.... I pray that I can grow in my faith and as a wife/parent from this!!
2 comments:
I had not heard about the Chapman's daughter. I am going to go Google it.
Good thoughtful post. I can not imagine how you must have felt seeing your father die. My heart goes out to you this Father's Day.
Hey Darlin,
I was thnking about your daddy too. It never gets too far away. It seems that when things in the world are trying I think about those I have lost. I am SO grateful to know that almost everybody is in heaven, and I know that they will be there to meet me. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have your whole family, or town disappear! Love ya Aunt Bobbie
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