I love food. I love sugar. I love salad. I love pretty much everything in between. I love to eat. I am an emotional eater, too This is one of my bigger weaknesses in life. A weakness that affects other aspects of my life. As I am getting older, it is clear to me that I need to make some serious changes to my life in this area.
This is me, 61/2 years ago, on my wedding day. I weighed about 130, wore a size 8 and felt pretty good about myself. I worked out at least 4 days a week, too. Click on them to see them better... I had to scan them in!
Then life kicked into full swing. And so did the excuses to not be as healthy. I loved being married, not having to always look my best 'cuz Doug loves me anyway. I ate a lot more, too... since I didn't necessarily eat 3 meals a day before. Now I was cooking more meals for "us", some healthy, some not. When I moved into Doug's house as his wife, I also couldn't go to the gym I used to go to (different district), so I stopped working out. The weight started to come on slowly. Then my dad died suddenly. Again... no time or energy to work out... and everyone wants to show their support with fattening food. More weight on. Then I hurt my back... another reason not to work out as hard. Yada yada yada. The list goes on. Over the years I have purchased an elliptical machine and a "total gym" for home... I use them, but not consistantly. Oh, yeah, then I got pregnant.. had Evelyn... wasn't able to breast feed (its a LONG story), and never lost the weight. I also had a BAD bought with post partum depression and went on meds. And I am home full time now, snacking on goldfish and cheese with my baby girl. A lot. As my husband says, the meds make me not care about a lot of things, like what I eat!So today... are you ready.... I weigh almost 200lbs. I CANT BELIEVE I JUST TYPED THAT!! But its the truth. I have gained almost 70 pounds since my wedding day. How pathetic is that? I am not happy with this. I now wear plus size clothes (or my maternity clothes... nothing else fits!) My sweet husband never complains.. but I certainly don't feel like a beautiful wife AT ALL, and I know I don't look like one! My self esteem is in the pooper. Now you know why there are hardly any pictures of me on my blog... or anywhere in my house for that matter!
On a side note, I am having issues with my eczema and with sleeping. I decided to try to cut most refined sugar out of my diet for a week. Man I felt so much better... and my skin was better, too. So here is ANOTHER reason to change things up a bit.
I loath "dieting". I have not found one that "works" for me. I really believe for me its about exercise and controlling portions and fat. I have absolutely no will power. But... in order to take some weight off I need to be disciplined. The desire is there... so there... but not. the. will power. UGH!!
A big issue is that I thrive on routine. Unfortunately, I have a daughter who doesn't have one, in terms of when she wakes or naps. It could be 5am, it could be 7:30am. Every day is different. I prefer to work out in the morning... just gets my day started off right. But its hard when I can't predict what time I need to get up to do that. She does, however, go to bed at the same time every night. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and work out at night. That would mean showering before bed and in the morning (a must for me to function). This might increase the electric bill.... we are now on a tighter budget.. see.... here I go again, making excuses!
Bottom line... I need to treat my body as a temple for the Lord. He commands that. I am not obeying these days. I want to look good, feel good, and know that I am healthy. If I am made in God's image... I want to represent that well. I don't feel I am right now.
As hard as it will be, I really want to commit to getting healthy this year. Its not so much about the numbers, although it certainly can help me keep going when the numbers go down. I have not idea what this looks like, but I hope that however and whatever I do, it will change me. Physically and emotionally... and spiritually.
Ok.... I think I need to stop rambling now. If you have read this entire post, bless you! I may or may not post more on this issue
7 comments:
you are brave to post what you did! love you, girl.
btw... i don't have your number OR email address... will you send that to me at jenni@jenniclayville.com?
Hi Stephanie. Thanks for posting such honest thoughts!! I have very little self control either, which is why I try and run. Having done a couple races it makes me feel like I can be somewhat successful at working out when I never have been in my entire life. A diet for me consists of NOT eating the 3rd cookie ;)
Keep at it!! Give yourself little breaks and use the momentum you build to keep you moving forward!
By the way, you looked beautiful on your wedding day! You still do, even if you don't feel it, doesn't mean you don't look it!!
Wow! I'm in awe of your bravery for posting this...I know it couldn't have been easy, and I'm sure you thought about deleting it a hundred times. However, be strong! You never know who you might help, just by allowing yourself to be vulnerable & honest.
You are beautiful & I count it a privilege to know you!
k~
Thanks for the comment on my blog. Your's was my inspiration!!
By the way, the carbo loads don't come for many months. Right now I have no excuse!!
Wow! I love this post! You have taken being vulnerable and transparent to a new level! I have lost walking partner after walking partner to life changes (moves, new jobs,etc.). Now I am consumed with helping aging parents and I am not walking at all . . . except to the car to take care of the next task. Boy do I understand!
I need a walking partner again . . . that is patient with my pace.
Hi Stephanie - I can so relate to pretty much everything you said -- good for you for being so honest! I also went through postpartum - TWICE!! Would love to get together and chat sometime.
Stacey
Just getting to your blog now...Good for you! I'm so proud of you for having the courage to talk about a "touchy" subject. I think all of us women struggle with our self- worth being tied up in what we look like. I know that is a huge struggle for me. I never feel like I'm "just right". There's always something I could be doing to lose that last tummy roll, etc. Blessings to you as you embark on this exciting stage. I'll pray that Evelyn starts to be more routine in her waking up so you can work out in the AM (I much prefer that also). Good luck!
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